Fears

Most of the time I try to keep our blog light, but today I felt the need to write what was really on my heart and in my head. When my kids look back on this, I hope this will speak to them and encourage them to really live because life is not a dress rehearsal. This is the only chance we have. Maybe it will speak to you, too.

If I’m being honest with myself I don’t want to be a disciple of Christ. Not if it means giving up everything. Giving up my dreams, my plans, and the things that I want. Not if it means living life like God wants me to live life. Sacrificially. With unconditional love toward my enemies. I don’t want that. It’s too hard. I don’t have what it takes. That’s what I tell myself anyway. If God tells me to tell a friend something she doesn’t want to hear out of love, will I do it? If God tells me to pray in the middle of the night, do I have what it takes? Do I have what it takes to live a life completely devoted to Him? Do I trust that His plans are the best plans even when they are hard and completely not what I want or what I had planned?

Can I live with myself if I choose my plans over His because my plans are easy and comfortable? Will I look back at the end of life and wonder “what if?” What if I had completely trusted God? What if I did live like He was everything? And I mean EVERYTHING. Would I regret it? Would I regret saying YES to crazy ideas and dreams? Would I regret trying? No, I don’t think so. I don’t think I’d be happy living a normal, nice life. It’s not a bad thing, but I don’t think God wants us to live normal, nice lives. I mean, God isn’t normal. And sometimes He isn’t nice. But he’s fair. He’s just. And He’s faithful.

I don’t want to look back and say “what if?” I want to look back and say “Wow, THAT was an awesome ride.” But I’m scared. No, I’m frightened to my core. God’s plans mean giving up everything for Him. Going where it’s not easy. Talking when it’s uncomfortable. Trusting when I’ve been disappointed. Loving when the world says to hate. Serving in impossible ways. Believing in miracles.

Today I asked for prayer at church. Not prayer for sickness or financial woes. Thank you Jesus that we don’t have needs there now. But I have another need. I have fear. Fear of what others think and how they perceive me, especially if I really live like I’m a disciple of Christ. God tells us not to have fear. He tells us not to worry. Fear and worry – how easily these two things become a part of our daily mindset. To a point where we think something is wrong if we’re not fretting about something. This is not of God. He wants us to live a life of freedom. I want freedom. I like freedom. I want to be free of fear. Free of worry. I guess if I’m a disciple of Christ, and trust in His plans, His dreams and who He is, I really have nothing to fear. Nothing to worry about. Because the Creator of the Universe is in control.

I guess when you put it that way, being a disciple of Christ doesn’t seem too bad…but no one said it would be easy. Lord, give me the courage.